Memories
by Gabrielle Marie Isabelle
Summary: Venus's memories of the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s. When I first saw Sirius Black, time didn't stop; he didn't smile at me or even looked at me in the eye. Actually, he pushed me and made me fall in the cold water of Hogwarts's lake.
1. Part 1

**Part One: Beloved Seventies**

When I was a little girl, I used to think that when my Prince Charming would come, I would recognize him at once. He would take me on his great white horse and we would disappear in the horizon, later get married and have ten little children. But everything is not always rainbows and butterflies: nothing along this lines happened when I first met Sirius Black. When I first saw him, time didn't stop; he didn't smile at me or even looked at me in the eye. Actually, he pushed me and made me fall in the cold water of Hogwarts's lake. Not quite the ideal way to meet the man of my life.

And he laughed. He laughed, the idiot. I shivered with cold during the short journey in boat, which seemed like centuries to me. Try to attend to the sorting being soaking wet, you'll see. No wonder why I hated him all these years. After Mr Black had had a good laugh with a messy-haired boy who turned out to be his best friend, he asked me what my name was. Yes, he dared! No need to say I didn't answer him. I turned to mind my own business, hoping this idiot wouldn't be in the same house as me. We were both put in Gryffindor; I already saw my life at Hogwarts like a long following of pranks and arguments. Time proved I was only partly right.

Our mutual dislike increased as time passed by, and I have to say that he was the one who always started it. He pulled pranks on me on countless occasions. He laughed at me on even more countless occasions. I watched from as far away as I could as we grew up and he started to date girls. Everything that moved and wore a skirt was a potential girlfriend for Sirius. Everything, beside me, that is.

There was this weird girl back at Hogwarts. Aurelia Combs. She used to think Sirius and I would make a perfect couple; we used to make a face and deny with all our heart. Only after a very long time did we cease to be blind. I don't know how he happened to fall for me. I think that for a long time my heart was full of both hate and love; it took me several years to admit it. It was hard for us to swallow our pride, but now I can see it was worth it.

Near the end of our sixth year, our best friends Anna Ripperton and Remus Lupin began dating. I think I was jealous of her at the time; not because I was in love with Remus, of course, but because she had someone she loved and who loved her back. I tried to hide the truth from myself, but I couldn't help it: I had fallen in love with my best enemy. There was nothing I could do about it. As we spent more time just the seven of us, we started to realize that we were less different than we thought. I even pulled some pranks on the Slytherins with the Marauders. As long as it was on people who deserved it, I agreed.

Now that I look back to our Hogwarts years, I can't believe we didn't realize sooner that we were meant to be together. Of course, our constant arguments didn't help it. But if we had been friends from the start, we wouldn't have ended up together. Sirius and I just couldn't be friends; it was hate or love. It changed our lives when we passed from one to the other. It was a bit the same between James and Lily, only that James had been in love with her for ages.

We would argue about anything, basically. The sight of him used to be unbearable; never had we thought we would share so many happy moments, the best souvenirs of our lives.

Wist is all I've got now. Only three of us survived, and one turned out so bad we wish he had died instead. I can't help but cry every time I look at the pictures. We were so young, so happy - so unaware of our fate. I wish it had lasted forever.

_June, 1978_

_"Sirius, stop playing with my hair, it will get all curly."_

_I turned my head to him and he smiled sheepishly. "But I'd like it curly."_

_I rolled my eyes. "All right," I said, turning back to the window._

_We were sitting in the train, on our last ride back home. Outside, the rain was falling to match our wistful mood._

_"I can't believe we'll never see the castle again," Anna sighed. "I'll miss it so much."_

_"Fortunately, we kept some souvenirs," Sirius smiled mischievously._

_He took his trunk and picked several things in it: a Snitch, Mrs Norris's red collar that had been stolen (Filch had made a huge fuss about it), some food taken from the kitchens._

"_That's for you," Sirius said earnestly._

_He handed me Mrs Norris's collar and we all laughed._

_"Thank you so much," I replied and kissed him._

_"Could I have another kiss?" Sirius asked as soon as we had broken apart._

_"Not for the moment, I'm waiting to hear about how you got all those things."_

_"Then I'm not telling you."_

_I rolled my eyes. "When will you stop being such a child?"_

_He smiled. "Never, I'm afraid."_

He was right. He never really grew up; I knew the mischievous child was still there, even after he got out of Azkaban. It was well hidden behind a mask of pain, but it was still there. But maybe that was why I loved him, after all. His little defaults made his charm; the only thing that bothered me about Sirius was his boundless love for women. I was never sure that I was the only one; with him, I learnt to be jealous. And he, of course, would flirt with a girl when I was there just to make me jealous. He found it very funny. I didn't. But as time passed by I learnt to make fun of it. I have no reasons to think that Sirius ever cheated on me. I ended up trusting him entirely; love is based on trust, after all.

I'll always remember the first time he told me he loved me. It was at Christmas, back in 1977. I couldn't dream of a more precious gift. Us of all people. Us who thought we would not fall in love. Us.

_Christmas Day, 1977_

_"You shouldn't have, really."_

_Sirius looked over at me and shook his head. He was holding a Nimbus 1980, the brand new broomstick I had offered him; James and I had the same one._

_"Come on, I know you've wanted it for ages. And you know my family doesn't lack money."_

_"Yeah, but still. Makes my present for you pretty insignificant."_

_"I like it," I replied simply._

_"So, you like the place?"_

_I looked around. We were sitting on the edge of the cliff that overhung the lake. The sight was magnificent: everything was covered with snow._

_"I love it," I sighed, breathing the cold and pure air. "And the company isn't bad either."_

_He grinned back at me, making my stomach loop as always._

_"You're not too cold, I hope?" he asked._

_"I love that smirk of yours, you know."_

_I smiled and settled myself in his open arms. He held me tight and for a moment we just remained silent, admiring the sight below us._

_"There's something I'd like to tell you," he whispered._

_I looked up at him and saw that his cheeks were slightly red. I wondered if it was because of the cold._

_"Yes?"_

_He was not looking at me. "I just want you to know that I-I don't hate you."_

_I was so not expecting this that I couldn't help but gave a nervous laugh. _

_"Is that your way of telling me...?"_

_I trailed off, not knowing if I was ready to say the words and if he was ready to hear them. All I knew was that I was madly in love with him. He looked down at me and smiled slightly, although his eyes were full of doubt._

_"I love you."_

_I closed my eyes and let the words ring in my head in the most pleasant melody I had ever heard. I held my breath and looked at him in the eye, looking for a sign that would tell me he wasn't lying. He didn't blink or look away._

_"I love you too, Sirius Black."_

_I rested my head against his chest, smiling broadly, oblivious to the snow flakes that had started to fall. Merry Christmas, Venus._

We saw each other almost every day after we had graduated: we were both doing the training to become Aurors. He had his own flat since he was seventeen and I still lived with my parents. This was the only uncomfortable thing in our relationship: should we live together? We didn't know if we were ready to have a life-long relationship. Would we get married and have children later on? At the time, we of course had no idea of the terrible things that would happen to us. All we knew was that Remus and Anna were planning on getting married some day, and that the idea was in Lily's and James's minds as well. But we were too young to get married, weren't we, Sirius? We were too young and too busy being rebellious and fighting Voldemort. The prospect of being together for life feared us. One day, Sirius had a brilliant idea.

_November, 1979_

_"I think we need a break."_

_I jumped slightly at the unexpected words and my cup of tea threatened to fall off my hand. I took a deep breath, put it down on the table trying to remain calm, and only then did I look at Sirius. He looked both uncertain and determined. I knew this couldn't be good._

_"What? I-I thought everything was okay between us!" I said frankly._

_"It is not and you know it," he replied, his tone unusually serious._

_I remained silent, stubbornly staring at the bright fire burning in the fireplace of Sirius's flat. My mind didn't seem to accept the idea._

_"I mean, not breaking up, you know. Just...stay apart for a while, see what happens."_

_I still refused to look at him. "We can't stay apart, Sirius," I replied bitterly. "We work together."_

_He didn't say anything. I knew it wouldn't make any change, but a part of me was just trying to protest._

_"And why do you think we need a break?" I asked in a fake casual tone, as if it was a question of no real importance to me._

_"Venus," he whispered and tried to take my hand, but I scowled at him and he sighed. "We're only nineteen-"_

_"Nineteen and a half," I replied childishly through gritted teeth._

_"Whatever. I need to know if – if it's really true love. Don't you want to see what it's like with other men?"_

_The idea had not really occurred to me since then, as stupid as it sounded._

_"That's what you want, isn't it? I knew it. You just need to get laid with a dozen of girls. Come on, then. I don't give a damn."_

_It was a lie and we both knew it. But this was a sensitive point._

_"I knew you wouldn't understand," he replied darkly._

_"Then you were right," I said furiously._

_I stood up and quickly went around the apartment, picking up everything that was mine. I couldn't believe it. When I was done, I went back to Sirius, who was still sitting at the table; his expression was unreadable, although it seemed like a part of him was watching me leave reluctantly; but I also knew there was no discussion possible._

Three weeks passed. Sirius and I avoided each other the most we could, and, even if I was too proud to admit it, I missed him terribly. Every time we had to see each other at work, we didn't talk but deep inside, I was glad to see him. One evening, I went to a bar with my sister Emmeline, hoping to meet another man and to get Sirius out of my head. I never managed to do it. I met a quite nice guy, I don't even remember his name, but I spent the whole evening talking about Sirius. Everything cried his name and made me think of him. I tried to get information from James, Remus and Peter, but they would not tell me. One day, I had had enough.

_December, 1979_

_I entered Sirius's office, which was actually a very small room with no windows, graciously given by the Ministry of Magic. I had a determined expression on my face, but I'm sure that this mask disappeared as soon as I saw him. He was lounging in his chair, relaxed, tilting it back on two legs, his long, dark hair falling upon his eyes. He was trying to read something that he obviously was not interested in. But he was doing it very handsomely so. Everything was so perfect in him that if was as if he had repeated every action in front of a mirror._

_I cleared my throat and he looked up at me. I was glad to see relief and happiness on his face, along with slight embarrassment. I tried to look casual, leaning against the doorway, but I was nervous. _

_"Well, come in," he said._

_I had almost forgotten what his voice sounded like. I took a deep breath and stepped in, biting my bottom lip and looking down, all traces of self-confidence gone. I didn't know if he felt like I did; maybe he was just going to reject me. We remained in awkward silence for some seconds; when I sat down in front of him, his eyes travelled almost unconsciously down my chest. I smirked. I had chosen a low-cut black dress to give me an advantage. I knew my Sirius._

_"My eyes are up here, Sirius."_

_We smiled; it was an old joke between the two of us._

_"I missed you," we said at the same time._

_We grinned again and I almost sighed of relief. "You first."_

_"I'm sorry, this wasn't a brilliant idea after all," he said, sounding sincere. "But being apart from you made me realize that it was serious between us. I've never felt this way for anyone else, but I just wanted to make sure-"_

_"Geez, Sirius, it's okay," I laughed. "It's not like we were going to get married or something."_

_"Yeah," he replied, unsmiling. "Let's not talk about wedding or kids or future, all right? What I know is that right now we've got some free time until Mad-Eye Moody arrives, if you know what I mean."_

_He smiled as I pretended to look clueless._

_"No, I don't," I grinned back innocently. "But maybe you could show me."_

_"You know that innocent look doesn't-"_

_I kissed him before he could say anything else. I had almost forgotten how kissing him felt like._

How I wish I could go back in time... The seventies were the best years of my life. Everything wasn't perfect, but at least we were all together, happy. Lily, James, Anna, Remus, Sirius, Peter and me. The best friends. We thought it would last forever, we thought nothing could separate us. We were wrong: we had forgotten that death could.


	2. Part 2

Part Two: Dreadful Eighties

**Part Two: Dreadful Eighties**

About one month later, one sunny and cold wintry morning, I entered James and Lily's kitchen and, as soon as I stepped in and saw my red-haired friend, I knew there was something going on. She didn't seem to be in her normal state. A few weeks ago, during one of the Sunday dinners Sirius and I always had with James and Lily, Lily broke the news to us that she was pregnant. I remember James's proud smile and our surprised congratulations. I remember having Lily crying of joy in my arms. They were going to call him Harry if it was a boy. Harry was hope. Harry was the promise for a better world.

_Early January, 1980_

_"Lily? What happened?"_

_The kitchen was empty except for the two of us; Lily was sitting by the table, staring off into space. She looked started at hearing my voice; she was so lost in thoughts she had obviously not seen me Apparating. To my relief, her face broke into a smile. I was afraid to hear bad news: at that time, every day we learnt about attacks on Muggles, and I knew it affected Lily more than anything else. _

_"Oh, Venus," she stood up. "I'm so happy!"_

_She came and took me in her arms. I was caught off guard._

_"Sorry," she grinned, pulling back._

_"Lily, could you tell me what's going on?" I asked, raising my eyebrows._

_"James proposed yesterday!" she announced excitedly._

_"That's great!" I exclaimed. "I'm really happy for you!"_

_I grinned back at her; her happiness was infectious. I was only slightly surprised as I knew James had already tried once to propose to her but he had not been able to utter the four words. _

_There was a 'pop' and Sirius Apparated beside us. I couldn't look at him for some reason. I listened as Lily broke the news to him but I could only hear his reaction as I still refused to look at him. He congratulated Lily warmly and said that James, Remus and Anna were going to arrive immediately. As soon as he stopped talking, our three friends Apparated._

_James had obviously just told them and every one was already asking if they had fixed a date._

_"April, 7th," James replied, smiling fondly at Lily. "I'll be 20."_

_"By the way," Lily said as we all sat down. "We have something to ask you. Venus, would you be the Maid of Honour?"_

_"And Sirius, the best man?" James added._

_"Sure," we replied as one._

_Our friends smiled warmly at us, yet I still had not glanced at Sirius once and I was sure he had noticed it._

_"Then Anna and Remus will do the same for you at your wedding," James said teasingly._

_His words provoked the most awkward silence ever. My face went red and I looked down._

_"We're not really sure-" I started._

_"I was only kidding," James said faintly, his smile fading._

_"It's ok, Prongs," Sirius said._

_I forced myself to look at him; he was smiling at James as if he had made a good joke. I didn't know what to think of it._

And I still don't know today. I still don't know if I wanted to get married; I only know I got this idea in my head because my four best friends got married so I was forced to think about it, but I don't think I was ready. Not to mention that Sirius wasn't ready at all, either. Anyone who knew Sirius saw that he was not made for marriage, at least, not at such a young age.

After the announcement of James and Lily's wedding, things started to get slightly awkward between Sirius and me. I mean, I know it was because of me, I was just confused, and not talking about it just made it worse. I had not much time to think about it anyway, because every day there was an attack on Muggles or a fight against the Death Eaters. But every time I saw Sirius I tried to escape from his touch and he of course realized it soon.

_Mid January, 1980_

_"Venus, what is it that's bothering you?"_

_"Nothing," I lied._

_He had sat on the couch next to me. I stood up and paced nervously, words forming in my mind, yet I didn't want to tell him about it._

_"Look, I have to go now, I-"_

_"No, you don't," he replied firmly. "You've been avoiding me for days."_

_"Not true," I started._

_I stared at him and he raised his eyebrows. I put my hands up in surrender._

_"All right," I sighed. "I admit I've been trying to avoid you, but I don't really want to talk about it, I'm still very confused."_

_"But you could at least try to tell me?"_

_He seemed both disgruntled and inquisitive._

_"Actually you've not really talked to me since James and Lily said they were going to get married, am I right?"_

_I said nothing. How perspicacious. He took my silence for a yes and he was right._

_"Okay, so that's your problem," he said slowly._

_He stood up and made his way towards me. I stood still, but he was so close all I wanted to do was giving him a hug. I didn't know why I was restraining myself from doing it, but I was. I took a deep breath and looked up at him. He was so handsome, as always; a black strand of hair was falling upon his eyes, something that had always fascinated me._

_"I know I'm irresistible," he smiled. "But we were going to talk, weren't we?"_

_I blushed slightly and nodded rather sheepishly. "Yes."_

_"Yes?"_

_I sighed and went to the window. Outside Sirius's flat, everything was covered with snow and I could see a bunch of kids throwing snow balls at each other around the corner of the street. I wished I was still innocent, careless like them, not in this world of grown-ups full of questions and doubts._

_"I'm sorry," I whispered, my back still turned to him. "I'm just being complicated."_

_"Oh, it's not like it was the first time."_

_From the tone of his voice I could tell he was smiling; I turned to roll my eyes at him and there was indeed a grin on his face._

_"You remember when I told you I thought we needed a break? I think you're feeling a bit like I was at the time."_

_"I guess," I answered, watching as one of the children fell on the icy floor, laughing his head off. "Why is everything so complicated?"_

_"It's complicated only if you want it to be," Sirius replied, putting his arm around my shoulder._

_I took him in my arms and we rested a few seconds like that, my mind in peace for the first time in days._

_"I know one thing," he said, pulling back and looking at me earnestly. "I've felt for anyone the way I feel for you."_

_"Neither have I."_

_"Then what do you want more?" he asked gently._

_I had found my answer. For the moment, I wanted nothing more. Nothing more than love._

Now I can see we were right not to get married, seeing what happened later on. It would only have made my life even harder. Believing Sirius was a murdered was horrible enough, not to mention I had to deal with James's and Lily's deaths. Shortly after their wedding, Remus proposed to Anna as well. I attended to two weddings in two months. I was really glad for my friends; this was a time of pure happiness, for a while we learnt to be careless again, forgetting about our quotidian fights with the Order of the Phoenix.

_Early February, 1980_

_"Coffee?"_

_"Yes, please," I smiled. _

_"Don't know why I'm even asking," Sirius grinned back, standing up to help himself to two coffee cups._

_He went back to the bed and handed me one._

_"Thanks. I'm really enjoying these little holidays those bloody Death Eaters give us for once. I'm surprised there hasn't been an attack for several days."_

_"We have some time for ourselves at last," he sighed._

_He smiled again and pulled me into a passionate kiss. We were so busy we didn't see James Apparating and stopped only when we heard someone clearing their throat. We jumped slightly and I tried to cover myself the best I could. _

_"You could at least, I don't know, Apparate in the living room or something," Sirius said through gritted teeth. "Try to avoid the bedroom next time, right, Prongs?"_

_Despite the comic of the situation, James looked earnest and that only meant one thing: we'd better get back to work._

_"There's been an attack. Three Muggles killed and the Prewett twins-they fought till the end, but-" James trailed off and took a deep breath. "Pretty much everyone else's fighting but Moody sent me to fill you in with the news."_

_Sirius and I looked at each other; the Prewett twins were members of the Order of the Phoenix and very brave Aurors. They were barely older than us; this could have happened to one of us and we couldn't ignore it._

_"Give us thirty seconds."_

_I got dressed; we took our wands and went to the fireplace. James took some Floo Powder and threw it in the fireplace._

_"Ready?" he asked, his voice shaking slightly._

_"Let's go," Sirius replied firmly._

This was just one of the dozens of battles we had at the time, but in this one we lost two members, which fortunately did not happen often, yet we were forced to deal with the death of people we knew, people who were young. Never had we thought some of us would die at that young age, too.

_July, 31st, 1981_

_"Who's one year old today?" Sirius smiled as he held up Harry. "It's our little Harry!"_

_A grin came across the baby's face as he watched his godfather with wide eyes. Sirius had always had a way with children._

_"He walked for the first time this morning!" Lily said proudly, taking Harry from his godfather's arms._

_"You're going to be the bright one, aren't you?" Sirius smiled again._

_"Of course, he is," James replied earnestly._

_"And an amazing Quidditch player, with that," I added._

_"We mustn't forget he'll have to be top of the class, too," Remus said, smiling at Lily. "No pressure, Harry."_

_Lily grinned down at her son and kissed his forehead lightly. _

_"He has inherited his mother's beautiful eyes," James whispered in her ear._

_She jumped slightly with surprise, having not seen nor heard him coming behind her._

_"James! You scared me, you idiot!" she said, laughing._

_He grinned back and kissed her. I turned to Sirius._

_"Weren't we going to...?" I started._

_"Ah, yes," Sirius's smile faded. "But can't we tell them tomorrow? I don't want to ruin the mood."_

_I shook my head reluctantly. "This is very important. Dumbledore said to tell them at once," I sighed._

_He sighed too. "Right," he muttered, turning to Lily and James, who were frowning. "You know we had a meeting this morning, although Dumbledore allowed you not to go."_

_James nodded and Lily, with a foreboding, sat down, Harry on her lap. The tension was almost palpable._

_"What did Dumbledore say?" Lily whispered._

_"It's not easy to say," Remus looked down._

_There was an awkward silence as we all looked at each other._

_"There's a spy in the Order," I finally blurted out. "Someone who tells Voldemort about you - about us all."_

_"You'll have to go into hiding," Sirius added darkly. "Don't tell anyone where you're going, right? No one."_

_James went to Sirius, put a hand on his shoulder with a look that clearly said he would not tell anyone but him._

At first, they hid in several places, changing very often, but, more than two months later, Dumbledore decided to perform a spell so that one person, the Secret Keeper, would be the only one that would know James and Lily's location. The only way for Voldemort to get to them was getting the information from the Secret Keeper. After nearly two weeks and long, secret conversations with Dumbledore, Sirius was named Secret Keeper, which seemed natural to us because we knew that James trusted Sirius with his life, and that Sirius would rather die than betray his best friend.

Sirius hid too; I had no contact with him for a long time. The last time I saw him, James and Lily was one week before Halloween Day, in presence of Dumbledore; at the time I had found that this little meeting sounded strangely like good-byes.

_November, 1st, 1981_

_"Wake up! Wake up!"_

_I rolled over and opened my eyes sleepily. Lit up by the faint light that gave his wand was Remus's face. I nearly jumped, fully awake all of a sudden. I looked briefly at my watch; it was almost noon. As I had a day-off I had overslept. I had hardly had any sleep for the past few days._

_"Remus? What are you doing here? What happened?"_

_It wasn't the fact that he was there and had woken me up this way that worried me: he was looking around, as though scared, and, most of all, he had tears in his eyes._

_"Dress up," he said very quietly and slowly, as though every word caused him pain. "I'll wait for you in the kitchen."_

_He left, walking like the world had fallen upon his shoulders. I dressed up, feeling quite empty as I did. I had a foreboding; I was sure Remus didn't have good news. When I entered the kitchen, Remus was sitting at the table, peering at the wall in front of him as if he didn't see it. I sat in front of him nervously, his devastated expression preventing me from saying anything._

_Then it hit me._

_"It's - James and Lily?" I finally whispered._

_Remus looked at me and slowly nodded. I sat frozen, unable to think._

_"They're-they're...dead?" I asked with difficulty._

_He nodded again, looking away. This couldn't be possible. They couldn't be dead, not James and Lily. Yet the look on Remus's face told it all. A tear rolled down my cheek and others followed before I even noticed it._

_"No, no," I repeated, shaking my head. "They can't be, they can't be. Tell me they're not."_

_I looked up at him, my vision blurry because of the tears. Slowly he stood up, made his way towards me and I fell into his arms, sobbing on his shoulder. He tried to say reassuring words but I knew he didn't believe them; along with sadness I felt he was also furious. I thought he was angry with Voldemort._

_"And Harry?" I asked faintly when my tears had dried. "Is he-"_

_"No," Remus replied quietly. "He tried to kill him as well but he resisted the spell for some reason. Dumbledore left him to the Dursleys."_

_"Poor Harry," I whispered, tears coming again to my eyes. "Poor James and Lily... Voldemort's going to pay for this, I swear. He had no right to take the lives of two wonderful people like them."_

_I let go of Remus and sat back down on the chair heavily. _

_"I know," Remus whispered from behind me._

_"When did it happen? Why didn't you wake me up?" I asked reproachfully._

_Of course, I wasn't really angry with Remus, but this anger I felt rising in me had to get out._

_"I was going to," Remus replied slowly. "But some... things happened this morning and I figured it was best leaving you in peace until it was necessary telling you."_

_"What could possibly be worse than this?" I replied bitterly._

_Remus said nothing. Then it hit me again._

_"What? Sirius?" I stood up quickly, gripping Remus's robes. "Is he okay?"_

_"He is not dead," Remus replied disdainfully._

_I sighed of relief. "Then where is he?"_

_Remus looked away. "In Azkaban."_

_"What?"_

_The words just wouldn't sink into my head. Why on earth would Sirius be in Azkaban?_

_"You must be kidding."_

_"Do I look like I'm joking?" Remus said darkly. "I wish I was."_

_Then his face softened and showed sympathy._

_"I'm sorry for you and for us," he whispered. "But we've been wrong about him all along."_

_I waited for him to continue. I didn't see where he was getting at._

_"He betrayed them!" he said furiously. "He told Voldemort where Lily and James were hiding! He was the spy, he killed Peter and twelve innocent people that happened to be there!!"_

_"Sirius? The spy...kill...?Remus, you know it's-"_

_I trailed off. Sirius was their Secret Keeper, said a voice in my head. He was the only one who knew where they were hiding. The only one who could have told Voldemort about it._

_"No, Remus, no," I whispered. "He can't have betrayed them, he can't be a Death Eater, not Sirius."_

_"I know," Remus said, his face hard. "I couldn't believe it either, but think about it: he is the only one who could have done this."_

_I kept on shaking my head. I thought Sirius would rather die than betray his friends, but obviously I was wrong. It was incredible, yet it had to be true. _

_I looked around; the kitchen, once full of life and laughter when they came around, now seemed hopelessly empty. It smelled of death. James, Lily and Peter would never come again, I realized. And neither would Sirius. I would not let a murderer enter my house. _

I spent several weeks working harder than I had ever had, even if Voldemort was supposed to be dead. I didn't, of course, take part of the huge celebration for his death; I couldn't celebrate something that had cost my friends' lives, even though I knew James and Lily would have preferred dying in heroes than dying for nothing, they were still gone. Moreover, I wasn't convinced that Voldemort was really dead.

I worked hard to forget. To forget the unfairness of my three friends' deaths, but also to forget that I had been terribly fooled by Sirius. Was he really pretending all along? I couldn't believe that our love was fake. I felt so betrayed I didn't let any man enter my life for years. The worst was that I often found myself thinking about Sirius, especially at the beginning. I mostly hoped he was having a hard time in Azkaban. He had to pay for what he had done to James, Lily and Peter. For what he had done to me.

Fortunately, there were still Remus and Anna. Pain shared in three was more bearable, yet I felt like I would never really recover. Even years later, the subject was touchy; I soon referred to Sirius by the name of Black, said with pure loathing, when I was forced to talk about him. I even started to deny I had one day been in love with him, or I made as if he was another person at the time. It was just too hard to admit that the man I loved was a murderer.

As time passed by I burnt to go and see how Harry was doing. I knew he wasn't brought up the way he should have been, having met the Dursleys a few times; but Dumbledore said he was not to know he was a wizard, that it was better for him. Yet sometimes I wandered around the neighbourhood where he lived, and, when I passed by the number 4 of Privet Drive, I tried to look through the window at the well-lit living room, but there was no sign of Harry.

I remembered a promise Anna and I had made to Lily; if something happened to James and her, we had to make sure Harry was okay and take care of him. With Dumbledore saying the only way Harry could be safe was him staying at Petunia's house, away from the wizarding world, Anna and I couldn't do anything. I felt as if I was betraying her. I blamed myself for not seeing what had been going on with Sirius; but it was too late and I just had my regrets and memories.


	3. Part 3

Part Three: Bittersweet Nineties

**Part Three: Bittersweet Nineties**

One day I began to stop hoping that Sirius was not a murderer after all. I had had that hope in me, and I knew that deep inside my love for him was still alive, somewhere, even if I'd rather die than admit it. I just tried to live my life the best I could, and with the return of Voldemort in Harry's first year at Hogwarts and after, we had a lot to do. I was proud of Harry and was I really wanted to see him, to tell him about his parents, but Dumbledore feared I might accidentally reveal things about Sirius. Harry didn't know anything about him and I thought he was lucky. I reached the point where I wished I had never known him. A few months after James and Lily's deaths, I considered visiting Sirius at Azkaban. I just wanted to make sure he was treated badly, that he was paying for what he had done. But for some reason I could not do it. I did not want to see him; I was trying too hard to forget him. Just after the end of Harry's third year at Hogwarts, when I was at home after a long day of work, my life changed forever, once again.

_Early July, 1994 _

_Just as I was about to go to bed one evening, I heard a gentle knock on my door. I opened it and smiled when I saw it was Remus. He smiled back and gave me a hug._

"_Come in," I said. "It's really good to see you."_

_I had not seen him for months as he had been teaching at Hogwarts. We had kept in touch only by letters._

"_It's good to see you too," he replied. "I've got something extremely important to tell you and… I think you should sit down."_

_I frowned as I did what he told me to do. _

"_Is it something good or something bad?" I asked warily._

_Ever since Sirius had got out of Azkaban, I feared an attack of some kind._

"_Something good," he replied, his eyes twinkling. "Though not easy to say."_

"_I've always thought it was better just to say it bluntly."_

"_You're sure?"_

_I nodded firmly. Whatever it was that he had to tell me, I'd rather he said it at once. He took a deep breath and looked at me in the eye._

"_Sirius is innocent."_

_I just stared at him for a few seconds, feeling quite sick._

"_He didn't kill Peter, and didn't betray James and Lily. Peter did. He was their Secret Keeper. They switched without telling anyone."_

_It took me quite a long while to believe it and to realize all the consequences._

"_I can't believe Sirius was innocent… all those years in Azkaban…"_

_I was barely aware of the tears running down my cheeks. All the emotions that I had suppressed for years were coming back. _

"_You've seen him, then? Where is he now? When can I see him? Did he ask about me?"_

_Remus smiled. "That makes a lot of questions! Well he certainly did ask about you. He'd like to see you as soon as possible but it's difficult."_

"_Yes, I understand."_

"_But you can write to him. He'll be more than happy to hear from you, believe me."_

It took me the whole night to write him a letter. I finally decided to make it short, telling him I was sorry for having thought he was a murderer, and asking him when we could see each other. A few days later, he was able to appear in the fireplace of my flat. I must say I was grateful that Remus was there, because I was rather afraid of seeing him again.

"_You haven't changed a bit."_

_That was the first thing Sirius said to me. I smiled nervously._

"_I wish I could say the same about me," he kept on, sighing. _

"_Who wouldn't have changed in Azkaban?" I replied softly. "I'm really sorry. I should have come and visited you. I can't even imagine how horrible it was."_

"_Well, better not to think about it too much," he said darkly. "I don't resent you and Remus, don't worry."_

_I nodded, relieved, and there was a short silence._

"_Remus told me you never got married," he finally said._

"_That's right," I looked away. "Never found the right man."_

_We heard the sound of a door being opened._

"_I've got to go!" Sirius whispered quickly. "I'll send you a letter. Goodbye."_

For months this was all I could get. Every time he could talk just for five minutes in the best case. But soon I felt like Sirius was a part of my life again and I thought of him more and more. The funny thing was that I was one of the Aurors in charge of looking for Sirius Black. Needless to say I didn't do my best for that job. As months passed we set up the Order of the Phoenix again and by June, Sirius's parents' house became the headquarters. I looked forward to seeing Sirius again, and at the same time I was apprehensive.

_Early June, 1995_

"_Welcome to paradise, my friends," Sirius said sarcastically._

_We had just entered the house. It looked even more gloomy_ _than I had thought it would. _

"_It's good to see you, Venus," he said, smiling almost shyly._

"_It's good to see you too."_

_Could it get any more awkward? I didn't know if I should hug him or just shake his hand like we were strangers, so I didn't do anything._

"_Remus told me about Dumbledore's instructions for you. I'm sorry for you, I know you hate to be inactive."_

_He shrugged. "I guess I should obey him… for now."_

I remember clearly the first time I met Harry. He had arrived at Grimmauld Place just the day before and I, of course, dearly wished to meet him, although I had been avoiding the place as much as I could. And I couldn't avoid it too much since I was a member of the Order, and with that, an Auror. I had to put my personal feelings aside because the Order was more important. Still, I felt a twinge of unease every time I stepped into the house, and tried to avoid Sirius. Most of the time I talked with the other members, hardly ever allowing myself to talk about anything else but our mission. Only Nymphadora Tonks, a young Auror under my orders, managed to amuse me every once in a while. She was a funny, lively girl and it was a pleasure working with her; that changed from the grim faces of the other Aurors. It cheered me up. That day, Tonks was with me when we entered Grimmauld Place. I had butterflies in my stomach; I knew Harry looked awfully like James, having seen his photograph. Quite guiltily, because I knew I shouldn't, I felt like I was going to see my friend again. When I stepped into the room where he was standing, chatting with his friends like an usual teenager, my heart seemed to stop for a second as I glanced at him, bemused.

_July, 1995_

_Harry looked at me uncomfortably. Everyone had stopped talking and was looking at me. _

"_Wotcher, everyone," Tonks said brightly to break the silence. _

"_Let me introduce you to Harry," Sirius said briskly._

_He beckoned at me to come nearer to him and Harry. Strangely, I felt like a first year in front of Dumbledore. _

"_Harry, this is Venusta Vance," Sirius said. _

"_It's very nice to meet you, Harry," I said quite shakily. _

_He smiled uncertainly and nodded._

"_It's nice to meet you, too," he said politely._

_Somehow I knew I must be scaring him. I was looking right into his eyes; Lily's eyes. _

"_How are you and her related?" he asked Sirius. _

_Sirius's face turned slightly pink and I knew I was blushing too. We had not really cleared things up._

"_She's my -" he stopped. "Ex-girlfriend."_

What was I expecting? What was I to him? We'd been separated for fourteen years! Yet hearing the words while I still had feelings from him was hard. I really needed to speak to him. I waited only a week to tell him how I felt. We had already wasted thirteen years, I wasn't going to waste much more time.

_"Sirius?"_

_He was standing near the window, looking out. We were alone in the drawing room as Molly and Remus had just left after having cleaned the room with us. He turned towards me and I took a deep breath, looking down at the floor. _

_"I've tried to let it pass but it cannot be helped. I need to know if you still want me."_

_I finally looked at him and was disappointed by the look of obvious bewilderment on his face._

_"Do I still want you? You must be kidding me!"_

_"No, I'm not," I snapped, already turning away to leave._

_"Wait!" he almost cried and I stopped walking. "You don't understand... I meant - how could you still want me?"_

_I turned to him, letting the words slowly sink in. It seemed that Sirius's high self-esteem had not survived Azkaban. Now that I really thought about it, it was logical. I was so used to pretentious Sirius that I had not realized that Azkaban had shattered him. Yet had he not seen that I still wanted to be with him?_

_"Sirius... modesty doesn't fit you."_

_I tried to smile, but his face was grave. He started pacing and I could feel his mind was racing for words to express feelings I could not quite understand._

_"You must have hated me," he finally said._

_The quietness of his voice rather frightened me. _

_"Yes," I replied frankly. "For thirteen years I have hated you because I thought you'd murdered-"_

_I trailed off and looked away. Neither of us needed their names spoken aloud to know I was talking about James and Lily._

_"But since last year, since I know you're innocent..." I trailed off and sighed. "When I saw you again this summer, I wished - I still wish - we got back where we were when it... happened. Please, Sirius, I need to know how you feel. I can't seem to read your mind as I could before."_

_I nervously waited for his answer, aware that my voice sounded very pleading. But I did not care about that; I just couldn't bear to be rejected. _

_"Well," he finally replied, his expression unreadable. "You surprise me. I thought you'd find me... too changed. Physically, at least. I'm such a ruin."_

_A sudden smile lit up his face and the Sirius I knew was back, making my heart pound faster. I looked up at his eyes which, behind their Azkaban veil, were dancing. _

_"No, you're not," I retorted. "You've changed but who would not have in Azkaban? Besides, I've changed too. I grew older as well. I'm not twenty and beautiful anymore."_

_"Rubbish," he replied casually, leaning against the wall in a very Sirius Black manner. "You're still a looker."_

_I blushed slightly, feeling strangely like a fourteen-year-old, and smiled, grateful for the compliment. I was more than glad to know that Sirius still found me attractive. He flashed me another smile, the one he had when he flirted. Moved by a sudden impulse, an urge to be in his arms again, I almost ran towards him and held him tight. After a few seconds he relaxed and hugged me back. For a while I could not even think._

_"Sirius," I whispered in his ear the first thing that occurred to me. "I don't hate you."_

_I pulled back to see if he had got it. He laughed, I joined him and I felt the tension leave us completely. We both remembered the day he had told me, clumsily had first, that he loved me. Suddenly his eyes darkened and he looked at me seriously._

_"I never stopped loving you," he whispered._

_My heart broke at such a revelation, because I couldn't bear to imagine how much Sirius had suffered in Azkaban. At the same time, it was more than good to know that I had never left his heart._

_"I love you," he said, and repeated it several times while hugging me, as though his lips had burnt to say those words for ages._

_I kissed him, gently at first, but the kiss soon deepened, probably due to all those years of yearning for each other. I pulled back only to gasp for air and was strongly reminded of the first passionate months of our relationship. I looked at Sirius to see if he felt the same thing: years of absence had not shattered our love completely. He had his eyes closed and, for the first time since I had seen him again, his features glowed with life and happiness._


End file.
